me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
i love modern commerce
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?