ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
You Might Also Like
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
multitasking lunch
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I was just discussing this with my cat
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead