Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A little too much information.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.