Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

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Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out


Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.


Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”


The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.


That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably


We are the people our parents warned us about.


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*



you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel


“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”