Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.