Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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yea so i messed up lol
Erm…
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Kermit goes Blue.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.