Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
This is hilarious….
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show