Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!