@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

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@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@TheCatWhisprer

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

@tchrquotes

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@hardasamother

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

@TommyD6336

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

@elle91

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.