ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I love twitter
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
why no one uses midhusbands
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair