Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
This is always good for a laugh.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Hit me in the face with a bird
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”