Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.