Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When I said I liked it rough.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
mariah carrie
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )