Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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I just tested negative for patience.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.