Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Wait a minute
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Muppet Screams
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.