Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…