Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.