me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Why is this me 😫
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Every BBC series about the universe.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery