Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Breaking news:
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
This week’s mood.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.