Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
You Might Also Like
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
smh
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok