ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Best spot.. 😅
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
We need more people like this.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms