ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”