Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My blood type is coffee.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.