Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?