Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
You Might Also Like
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it