Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.