me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
gentlemen, hear me out
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Don’t forget to tip your server
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids