me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

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Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!


9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.


Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”


It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year


Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.


ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.


We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.


I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in