Daughter:What’s a whore?
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in