me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow