ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
You Might Also Like
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
some Old Testament wisdom
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good