Me sliding into hell like
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted