me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Ah..makes sense now
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
📽️movie date🎞️
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean