ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up