Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
so i’m at the stock market right
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Sunday
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.