ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
opening twitter today
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.