Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You Might Also Like
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.