me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college