Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.