Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
just witnessed a drug deal
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy