Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*