me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.