Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A short story of betrayal:
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other