Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*launders Kohls cash*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
🙂🙃🥹
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.