Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Stop sending me this shit.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now