Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways