Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.