Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Meow?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings