me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?

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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes


If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.


[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations


“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”


A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.


Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.


[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]


GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice