me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
notice
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants