@AmericanGent69 David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
@whalesmells me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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@AmericanGent69 
@NurseMurderer You can’t rush stupid.
@abbycohenwl Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
@JohnCena If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
@PaperWash [stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
@TheAlexNevil “Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
@VampireIguana Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
@bestlizard A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
@elizaleela Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
@BlindChow [In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice