Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*