Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.