me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.