ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.