Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Probably my best painting.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”